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Secret Holiday

by CITY LIMITS

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1.
Are you awake? It’s just you me and the road, a conversation we put off too long. Are you OK? Cause I think I may explode. I know I’m right that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. We were young and clueless, trying to find our place. We always took our shots. We learned to swing away. I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t easy. You can paint me as the fool and let me take the blame. Are you awake? You keep staring at the road, a conversation we put off too long. Are you OK? Am I speaking in code? I know that I’m right. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. I was awake. I took a long drive home (fuck). I pinched a nerve and wrote it in a song. I was OK. Yeah, I’ve been down this road, white-knuckled, waiting, pure survival mode. Because the conversation built up in my conscience tells me “Maybe it’s time to listen, finally. We’re coming up on our exit." I guess I’ll see you around.”
2.
Orange Whip 02:49
You’ve lost me. I’m out on an island somewhere. Keep your distance cause I’ve gotten used to being without you. I’ll tell you something and it’s swallowed up by the sounds of the highway. Say anything and I’m overthinking again. At no surprise, I fell face down when I thought about something else to clear the shame from my head for once. And I used to think that I was something else, put on a million faces, say a million things about myself. Just happy to be here or just happy to be seen here or whatever. At no surprise. I fell face down when I thought about something else to clear the shame from my head for once. And don’t talk to me, so uncomfortable again I’m full of jealous feeling and that’s nothing new for me. I tried wearing out on a slow burn but the wind and the rain couldn’t wait their turn. It’s just like me to fall back in. It’s just like me to fall back. At no surprise, I fell face down when I thought about something else to clear the shame from my head for once. And don’t talk to me, so uncomfortable again I’m full of jealous feeling and that’s nothing new for--
3.
Cracks 01:54
Thirty years of resentment, still a victim of the cycle, of circumstance, of a marriage. She has to take the leap. It seems like a lifetime ago, two kids out starving on their own. Ancient history somehow seems even further away. With a giant can of Krylon and a pawn shop ring, he wrote the words in stone. Thirty years of resentment, still a victim of the cycle, of circumstance, of the same man. “You sit there in your fucking chair all day. You say these words to me every single day. I’m sure you’d find a way to change for me, for a moment, but I can’t. Oh no, I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” It took her a lifetime to go, five kids and a nice suburban home. Mortgage was months behind. Another problem, another time. He pleads for her to stay for the sake of the children. She said she wouldn’t stand for the humiliation. He screams for the last time, “You’re wrecking a home.” But there were always cracks in the foundation. She thinks about him sometimes and she cries when she thinks sometimes, but she smiles for the first time.
4.
No Motion 02:33
You said you wanted to leave, said I’m spending all my twenties needing relief from feeling foolish and painting myself in a corner. “You’re getting older while everything around you stays the same.” I wanted to be alone. There’s a perfectly good reason why someone could get comfortable and make the same mistakes. Are you getting tired of just seeing my face? Or get the feeling that you’re running in place? And would you believe me if I said that I saw nothing better than an endless row of homes in perfect autumn weather. Still holding out on time when no one sticks around. I wouldn’t recommend this life to anyone for too long. You said you wanted to leave. Well maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s just --
5.
Weigh me down. Weigh me down. This is your motivation. This is your 1-2-3-4. This endless sinking every day of my life with an addiction simply tossed to the side. Clinging onto self-control a spoonful at a time. Weights and measures, what’s your pleasure? Guess I’ve gotta try. I wouldn’t call it “depression” cause I never saw a doctor. I wouldn’t call it “depression” but I’m wishing all my flesh would melt away. Stare at the picture til it burns in your eyes. Convince yourself it’s just another disguise. Running out of heart and soul a spoonful at a time. Circled dates on calendars, I guess I’ve gotta try. I wouldn’t call it “depression” and maybe that’s the problem. I wouldn’t call it “depression” but I’m wishing all my flesh would melt away. Weigh me down. Weigh me down. This is your motivation. This is your 1-2-3-4. I wouldn’t call it “depression” but I think this is the bottom. I wouldn’t call it “depression” but I don’t know who the hell I’m supposed to be. Weigh me down. Weigh me down. Weigh me down. Weigh me down. This is my motivation. This is my 1.2.3.4.
6.
Rearrange things just how I want it. I can’t keep up with how fast you move, now I’m a ghost with nothing to do. I keep routines for the safety, not concerned with the time I lose. Can’t be convinced to start something new. The cracks in the sidewalk, they all look the same. Lead me to someone besides myself to blame. Cause I learned by heart all the worst things to say. Take one step towards moving on from a long list of mistakes. When there’s nothing out at night and you’re passing through a phase, some bad habits are the type that never go away. The streets are cold where you’ll end up. And I’ll lose myself in all the laps I try to walk, keep moving til I’m emptied out. Rearrange things just how I want it so we won’t know each other anymore. Oh no no no no no, not anymore. So we’ll break apart and go separate aways. Take one step towards moving on from a long list of mistakes. When there’s nothing out at night and you’re passing through a phase, some bad habits are the type that never go away. Set me in motion. Every time you raise your voice, I hold my breath until you pass me by again. Set me in motion. Every time you raise your voice, I hold my breath until you pass me by again.
7.
I sweat out the summer. It’s the kind of distraction that lasts longer than the others and I’d trade in the drag of the heat for the weight of the snow. It feels like a kick in the teeth when you’re living alone. The long days that turn to short nights come and go. They come and go. Pent up inside. My favorite records echo the same words I have in my mind. And there’s so much that I could do but with no one I like. Under a ton of bricks that I laid to cage myself, as if any of that’s ever going to help. Something drags me out to feel more lonesome now. If the worst that could happen is something gets me out of my shell, I won’t sweat it out by myself. Something drags me out to feel more lonesome now. If the worst that could happen is something gets me out of my shell... Do you find comfort in being alone on a secret holiday from everyone that’s trying to wave you down? Sweat it out by yourself again.
8.
Lightweight 01:52
You don’t speak for me. You don’t know my life. Life is beautiful with nothing on the line. So you’re the man for the job? So you’ve got the answers to our problems, propaganda, circled wagons? Well take a look at you now. Explain away all the hate on television. Ignore the bodies and division. And you call it compromise. I call it settling for nothing. In god, we’re slowly rusting. Welcome to the deep end. This is what you wanted. But you’re just a fucking lightweight and no one’s gonna save you. And I hope it’s not too... So you’re the man for the job? So you’re gonna save the common masses without paying any taxes? Well take a look at you now. You took your privilege for granted and you left us empty-handed. You don’t speak for me. You don’t know my life. Life is beautiful with nothing... And you call it compromise. I call it settling for nothing. God, we’re slowly rusting. Welcome to the deep end. This is what you wanted. But you’re just a fucking lightweight and no one’s gonna save you. And I hope it’s not too late.
9.
I still think about it when the leaves are falling. That may sound pathetic but I swear I’m trying. And when my heart is skipping time, I feel the world start spinning. Reaching out for friendly skies, the same old places. And I still laugh about it when the nights are colder. I can barely feel my face getting redder. And when my heart is skipping time, I feel the world start spinning. Reaching out for friendly skies, the same old faces. And yeah I cry about it all the time just to feel that much better. It’s not about you and me or us and them or whatever. I don’t believe in ghosts but I do believe in you. I saw you out on Broad Street in the afternoon. I don’t believe in ghosts but I do believe in shadows stained on the sidewalk. We cast them years ago. I should have known. I should have known. I should have known. Don’t place your faith in the unknown. I should have known. I should have known. And when my heart is skipping time, I feel the world start spinning. Reaching out for friendly skies, the same old faces, everyone you used to know. I should have known.
10.
Cut Me Loose 01:40
Turn me away or pull me in. Blow hot and cold. Grow thicker skin. You fall in love and it goes away. On my next arrival, I could still complain. Draw my blood. Give me breath. Hold my hand. Whisper to me. I start to sweat. Fall out of love then it comes back. Ignore the worst about myself. Adjust the facts. When you cut me loose, say it’s for the best. Keep me far removed when I can’t relate. When I fall into my deepest state, I know what I’m in for and I could never chase it away.
11.
Temples 02:19
I remember when we changed the world with a buck and a dream. We had attitude bursting at the seams, with faith in everything. I remember when still felt pride in the Fourth of July. You held my hand, screaming at the sky with faith in everything. And now the temples of my younger days, destroyed by fear and hate. The temples of my younger days, the floods washed them away. A civilized sacrifice. Push back all the progress and drown out all the voices. You kill off the culture and topple the altars and threaten us with violence. Home is where the heart is but this is where the art lives. I’ve got faith in a temple of my own. I’ve got faith in a temple of my own. I wanna storm the Oval Office, spit on your fucking throne. Cause I’ve got faith in a temple of my own. The temples of my younger days, the floods washed them away. This is where the art lives. This is where the mourners come to pray.

credits

released September 22, 2017

Recorded at Volume IV in New Brunswick, NJ by Chris Pierce
Mastered by Dave Lopez
Cover photo by Lauren Ronaghan

On this recording, City Limits is: Mike & Nick & Allon & Dave

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CITY LIMITS New Brunswick, New Jersey

RIP 2012 - 2017

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